For those that know me, you can probably already guess that I am going stir crazy. For those that don't know me in "real life," you are probably feeling just as loony as I am. If you aren't going crazy and claustrophobic and are loving this time of Quiet and relaxation, well, you're nuts.

Some people have told me to take the time to write and finish that screenplay or story I have been working on for years. That would be a great idea if it weren't for all the quiet and solitude.

WHAT?!

Yeah, I am a writer, but I am not actually a "writer." Writers spend most of the time throughout the day in their heads. If I spend more than twenty minutes of my day in my head, I start breaking stuff. My mind doesn't work like the rest of humanity, you see. My mind has hundreds of thoughts a minute running through it. Every object propels its backstory or possibly future story to the forefront. Because I am a positive thinker, yes, I indeed look at things positively, in a pragmatic sort of way.

Some people who have forced a positive light upon themselves find my way of looking at things to be negative. Even if that moment sucks the suck, they say positive things about it to keep themselves upright. I get that way of living, I do. Unfortunately, forcing the positive on negative thoughts isn't helpful in the long run, because the negative thinking still lives on. Even though it may live in the shadows, I know everything will be alright, and in the future, good things will happen. I will live to revel in the success of some sort once again. The sun will come up, and life will continue on.

Because I think of things in a positive light, I start down a path of grandeur. I think of all the success I could have with my podcast, my website, and even this blog. Because I am so enthralled with the success I will have my ego begins to grow. Then I start thinking of the new things I can do and the greatness I can espouse upon my readers, listeners, and viewers. I get wrapped up in the excitement of the potential of my winning streak; my ego gets even larger until reality kicks in.

I have tried for years to get a following or some sort of presence on the interwebs. I had a little success but couldn't get the pilot to light the flames. I write blogs, make vlogs, host live videos, enter and win contests, interact with as many people as I can. Yet still have few people reading, listening or watching. For those of you that keep up with me, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have no idea how that makes me feel. I am incredibly grateful for your attention. But that is the reality of the situation. I am not growing my audience by doing what I have been doing. Honestly, I have no idea what I should do differently. If you know, please let me know.

Now, you probably are thinking, "Paul, that is a very negative way of thinking." Yes, it is. But it's also true.

Because I am not a complete idiot, this realization kicks in about the time I think I can rule the world. That's where the problem starts. How can I even believe that I am going to gain all of the success I just inflated my ego with? Truth is, I won't. That's when my ego pops, and the innards soil everything around them, causing a mess no one can recover from. Depression kicks in, and my world is destroyed. But only for a moment, because I am actually a positive person. I realize that you can't win them all, but if you play enough, you can win the season or, at least, not come in last place. Proof of that is the fact that you are reading this blog, and I am still writing it. I still write stories, and I still make films. I haven't given up, and I am fighting back the urge to say "F**K IT ALL" and follow through.

For those of you who haven't experienced this sort of hyper thinking situation, you must know that all of this happens over about thirty seconds or less about twice an hour.

Yeah, it sucks.

When I am kept busy with things that I am actually interested in, these thoughts do not come. But sequester me in a home by myself with no human interaction, and it's multiplied by at least two.

I would love to record a podcast, write a story, or film something for no real reason, but that just starts the process all over again. It is exhausting!

So, not to worry, I am just fine. I know that what I am thinking is just a logic circle and that it is not reality. I will keep on keeping on.

Maybe I will do a live video later… Hmm… Just think, it might be the start of something!