COVID-19 Has me in a stranglehold
Some people have told me to take the time to write and finish that screenplay or story I have been working on for years. That would be a great idea if it weren't for all the quiet and solitude.
For those that know me, you can probably already guess that I am going stir crazy. For those that don't know me in "real life," you are probably feeling just as loony as I am. If you aren't going crazy and claustrophobic and are loving this time of Quiet and relaxation, well, you're nuts.
Some people have told me to take the time to write and finish that screenplay or story I have been working on for years. That would be a great idea if it weren't for all the quiet and solitude.
WHAT?!
Yeah, I am a writer, but I am not actually a "writer." Writers spend most of the time throughout the day in their heads. If I spend more than twenty minutes of my day in my head, I start breaking stuff. My mind doesn't work like the rest of humanity, you see. My mind has hundreds of thoughts a minute running through it. Every object propels its backstory or possibly future story to the forefront. Because I am a positive thinker, yes, I indeed look at things positively, in a pragmatic sort of way.
Some people who have forced a positive light upon themselves find my way of looking at things to be negative. Even if that moment sucks the suck, they say positive things about it to keep themselves upright. I get that way of living, I do. Unfortunately, forcing the positive on negative thoughts isn't helpful in the long run, because the negative thinking still lives on. Even though it may live in the shadows, I know everything will be alright, and in the future, good things will happen. I will live to revel in the success of some sort once again. The sun will come up, and life will continue on.
Because I think of things in a positive light, I start down a path of grandeur. I think of all the success I could have with my podcast, my website, and even this blog. Because I am so enthralled with the success I will have my ego begins to grow. Then I start thinking of the new things I can do and the greatness I can espouse upon my readers, listeners, and viewers. I get wrapped up in the excitement of the potential of my winning streak; my ego gets even larger until reality kicks in.
I have tried for years to get a following or some sort of presence on the interwebs. I had a little success but couldn't get the pilot to light the flames. I write blogs, make vlogs, host live videos, enter and win contests, interact with as many people as I can. Yet still have few people reading, listening or watching. For those of you that keep up with me, THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have no idea how that makes me feel. I am incredibly grateful for your attention. But that is the reality of the situation. I am not growing my audience by doing what I have been doing. Honestly, I have no idea what I should do differently. If you know, please let me know.
Now, you probably are thinking, "Paul, that is a very negative way of thinking." Yes, it is. But it's also true.
Because I am not a complete idiot, this realization kicks in about the time I think I can rule the world. That's where the problem starts. How can I even believe that I am going to gain all of the success I just inflated my ego with? Truth is, I won't. That's when my ego pops, and the innards soil everything around them, causing a mess no one can recover from. Depression kicks in, and my world is destroyed. But only for a moment, because I am actually a positive person. I realize that you can't win them all, but if you play enough, you can win the season or, at least, not come in last place. Proof of that is the fact that you are reading this blog, and I am still writing it. I still write stories, and I still make films. I haven't given up, and I am fighting back the urge to say "F**K IT ALL" and follow through.
For those of you who haven't experienced this sort of hyper thinking situation, you must know that all of this happens over about thirty seconds or less about twice an hour.
Yeah, it sucks.
When I am kept busy with things that I am actually interested in, these thoughts do not come. But sequester me in a home by myself with no human interaction, and it's multiplied by at least two.
I would love to record a podcast, write a story, or film something for no real reason, but that just starts the process all over again. It is exhausting!
So, not to worry, I am just fine. I know that what I am thinking is just a logic circle and that it is not reality. I will keep on keeping on.
Maybe I will do a live video later… Hmm… Just think, it might be the start of something!
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Let the #planting begin https://t.co/CPW8J8wxzd
I might have had Corona, or I didn't. All I know is that it sucked.
If you haven't paid attention to my Facebook feed (you probably didn't, and that's ok.), you would already know that I was extremely sick this winter. My symptoms are quite familiar to almost all of us now. It started one day with an unbearable sore throat that came out of now where. One minute I was filming products for the company I work for, and less than thirty minutes later, I could not swallow. My chest began to run with crud, and breathing became somewhat tricky. I went home and found that I had a mild fever, and the coughing started. It was a dry, hard cough.
It seems that there is a hysteria going around these days that is making everyone just a little strange. From the runs on toilet paper (pun intended) to the absolute insanity of fake news and misinformation, the past couple of weeks have taken their toll on my psyche. Being isolated is, for me, almost as bad as being sick since the end of December.
If you haven't paid attention to my Facebook feed (you probably didn't, and that's ok.), you would already know that I was extremely sick this winter. My symptoms are quite familiar to almost all of us now. It started one day with an unbearable sore throat that came out of now where. One minute I was filming products for the company I work for, and less than thirty minutes later, I could not swallow. My chest began to run with crud, and breathing became somewhat tricky. I went home and found that I had a mild fever, and the coughing started. It was a dry, hard cough.
I cannot afford to take off work now, and it was the same then. So I went to work with cough shortness of breath and fever. I didn't interact with anyone and had no need to since I do my job all by myself. When I went home, I went to bed. When I woke up, I coughed and suffered through the day. After about six days of this, I went to the Dr. They gave me a shot of steroids and a prescription for more steroids to take over the next ten days. I didn't get better. My fever and constant coughing, still persistent.
Three weeks into it, and I was back at the Dr again. This time the Nurse Practitioner gave me steroids and no antibiotics. I insisted that she give me some antibiotics but was denied. A week went by, and I developed an infection on top of my coughing. I had to be seen by a Dr once again. This time, a real Doctor.
Antibiotics (now round two) and more steroids. Honestly, I am surprised I still have my kidneys left.
I didn't get better immediately, but I did get better three weeks later. Actually, I am still quite weak from the entire ordeal. Luckily I made my doctor give me a booster for my pneumonia vaccine mid-summer. He didn't want to, but I insisted till I got it. Thank god I did. Otherwise, I might have been toast.
Now we have a threat from the outside. This virus that has been raging through the world seems to be a considerable threat. I am unsure if I had it already or if something new is lurking out there that may just end my existence. The symptoms I endured are mostly the same as this thing that is making people work from home and avoid human interaction.
Who's to say?
What I do know is that living in isolation is almost as deadly to me as being sick. While the threat from sickness can be seen and identified, the dread of being alone is just as fatal for a person like myself.
Some people wish for the quiet and, so-called, tranquility of living a life solitude. Then there are those like myself. The ones that feed on the interaction and approval or disapproval of others. I understand that it sounds counter to achieving happiness, having someone disapprove of the actions or words I emit. But it is a real thing. Input must be had. My mind is too full of everything to just sit and talk to myself. I mean, what do I know anyway?
Is the end of our way of life near? No, I would say not. Even if things seem dire, they are not really. In just a few weeks, people will begin congregating again and filling new restaurants to the brim, chasing the unique and trendy. The traffic jams will once again commence, and road rage will come back in style for those that have unconfronted issues that lie deep inside the ID. Life will return, and the sun will once again shine on those of us who need to laugh, argue, and converse just to feel alive.
Let's pray I can make it that long.
As for the illness, well, it happens. This is what life is like. The fact that it hasn't happened more catastrophically before now is actually quite surprising, even amazing. Throughout history, there have been many diseases that tore through society. Most of them were due to being dumb about sanitation and other things. In fact, the same thing should be said about this one.
Does this constitute a reason for the toilet paper shortage or the buying of forty pounds of ground beef? Not really, but I bet I can't convince anyone that truly believes it is a phenomenal reason for hoarding. You know, I guess it's all right. The only thing I would ask is that they share with people who can't buy anything because it was all purchased by three housewives with nothing to do but worry. I Digress... There is one thing that I ask you to do. Please check in on those friends and family that you know are super extroverted. They need your input, good or bad. Trust me on this one.
